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7.14.2004 trialsi'm about to fall out. i woke up, legs weak, heart heavy... i'm sick. i missed 8 hours of work. kelvin is gonna kick my ass. i haven't blogged about anything meaningful in weeks. i miss jess. i killed my *triplets* (please refer back to the journal entry where i said ‘crushes die young and i have triplets’). i have about 2 boxes of shit and some random food to pack and then i’m done. no word on my check. men. my damn pants don’t fit. not talking to my aunt. haven't been responding to mail fast enough. i'm behind in a lot of things. my head hurts. i'm going to work for 3.5 hours... in less than an hour. i feel like i'm going to pass out. haven’t eaten in like 24 hours. i feel like if i consume something, it'll come right back up. no motivation exists for me. need a new poetry journal. gonna buy one with money i don't have to spend. B2K fell off the earth. had a dream i talked to kapone. everyone is pregnant. it'll be over a month til dave comes back. i haven't heard from "my kid". my stomach hurts, too. for no damn good reason. rach hates me... and i care. kelli hates me... and i don’t care. not sure if i wanna take classes next semester. i need a break. kelvin is gonna kill me. (i know, i said that once, but he really is) i need pictures of people. "my daddy ain’t raise no fag, my momma ain’t had no punk." i have split ends. no one in lafayette does "black hair." if hell exists, i think i'm going. if hell doesn't exists, i got off easy. cursing is my problem. i miss people. i wish some people would leave so i can miss them... or not miss them. too many damn people are phony. how can i keep my enemies closer if iono who they are? my family is full of gossip. is that normal? since i missed work this morning, you'd think someone would have checked on me? nope. i need to learn how to type. i need an LCD monitor for my computer. hell, a second job wouldn’t hurt. i love smurf, eric, jeff, and dedrick. all platonically. i've been told to "toot that ass up" in bed. i like being the only. i don't like being the only. jess doesn't blog as much as she should. neither do i. when august comes, i'll blog at least 4 times a day. promise. at least one of them will be a pic. and another will be more than 2 sentences long. =o) that smile made my stomach hurt. is being a freak bad? had a dream i was about to sleep with jay-z. i don't even like him like that. he's just an artist. i wrote 4 letters 2 weeks ago. i got one response. damn. clarence is an ass hole. and i've accepted that. PEFCU? we all we got? ha! i'm it. my brother, john, sucks. the extent of my vocabulary sucks just as much. i don't see what’s so bad about giving head. hmph. females are trivial. sex is overrated. i think. what is too skinny? what is too fat? who the hell are we to judge? never say never. you know that ain't right. but didn't i just say it twice? why do we need i.d. to get i.d.? cause if you had it, you wouldn’t need it. what is money if you don't save it? ...or have anything to show for it? cause you answer the phone peace, does that mean you're not a freak? why you gotta act like a nigga all the time? if i'm an intellectual, does that mean i can't be sexual? you's a grown woman, why for that young man are you lustin'? if i wanna fuck you, does that mean i lack respect for you? how come people don't know, but then they front and don't ask? how you got high expectations and no patience? how come common came up with all these questions that make sense? well, iono... in the spirit of all i stand for... i need rest. eternity. i often wonder what i would do under other people's circumstances. what would happen if it woulda been me? what makes you real? it's alright. i've traveled miles with bitches. but i do me, for who? not you. alright, okay. i wanna see the sun from the other side of happiness. what's YOUR definition of happiness? i've never been free. what IS freedom? or friendship? or truth? or tactility? or trust? or love? or reality? or GOD? or power? or sense? or senselessness? or life? life. life... before you come up, you have you elevate. i wanna take a walk in the park. i wanna go to the zoo. my simplicity is so damn simple... it makes me complex. are you ready? just yet. not yet. love sucks. unless you're in it. then it doesn't. but to whom? "outsiders"? but even when you fall out of it... you claim it was not that great. i've never done that. admit the good, accept the bad. i've been in love. it was good... until it went bad. then it was that. no regrets, though. no excuses, right? but if i’m not sorry, and i can't apologize... what do i do? has a song ever struck a nerve? everytime i hear this song... ugh. summer 2003 was not my best summer. well, it was, BUT not in regards to judgment: i sucked. (i thought 'judgment' had two e's. damn.) i've been misspelling that shit my entire life. i am sad, for some reason. people kill me. "you can’t do this?!?!?!" or "you can’t do that??!?!?!" bitch. did you teach me? >no. do you have intentions TO teach me? >no. shut the fuck up, then. mexico for spring break? that's what the crew says. either there or north carolina. i'll miss you when you move to north carolina. she knows who she is. don't ask, don't tell. what the fuck? am i the army? nope. more liberal... i love jess. she's me with bigger boobs, a smaller waist, and fairer skin. my twin soul is me with no sense of sanity. my other twin soul is me with no regard for personal health. ...and no regard for friendship. my best friend is me stretched out about 4 inches with a perm and more conceit. and i am just me. people don’t know how to keep their mouths shut. some times it makes me mad. what if i told all your business? what if i told everyone "your man" gave you... what if? but that’s not me. not now anyway. i'm over it. who rambles this long? i miss people. i miss relationships. i miss places. i miss things. i miss my mom. i miss lance. i miss gene. i miss main-main. i miss shari. i miss muncie. i miss creativity. i miss experiences. i miss popples. i miss being in love. i miss trying. i miss keeping a relationship a secret. i miss keeping secrets. well, not really. i still have some. like that one about... right. i miss courtesy. i miss selflessness. i miss the first time. i miss when things took over my body. not like this illness i have, but feelings. it's your world. it's your will. do what you want. live your life. be who you are. my momma never called me fat, even when i was. my daddy did. my mother spanked me once cause i forged her signature. well deserved. my father spanked me once cause i didn't want to bowl. dumb ass. that might be why i don't bowl to this day. he's so fucking stupid and his parent skills are non-existent. "back in the day, my momma used to tell me, 'girl you better stand for something, don't fall for nothing. not even a piece of good loving.' and she'd always say, 'always be a leader, a giver, and not a receiver, a dreamer as well as a believer. never fall for stupid dreams people might try to sell' me. it felt so food to hear her tell me, 'it's your world, baby girl. you can have anything. anything that you need or your heart’s desires. just believe in your dreams. it's not as hard as it seems, you can be anything cause it's your world.' morals overpower all the pressure. don't settle for less. before they talk about you, they'll respect you. strive for perfection and keep your head to the sky. even though you'll want to be down, never ever follow... always make them follow the leader." ~lil' mo. i've been the other woman 4 times. 2 times were on purpose. one time was main-main. the other time... almost broke my heart. almost doesn't count. i still feel brand new. "when my dreams came true, answer to my wish; and i ain’t never ever felt a love like this." *sigh* one day... one day. i'm buggin'? or am i tripping? out of thoughts. out of time. i'm all over this. i get to go to work and get bitched out for being ill. not looking forward to that. kelvin is gonna kill me. ugh... i need all my shit to be @ 1 house... not 3. ain't no need to fall apart. jess, stop pissing in your pants... due to the consistent usage of the word "ain't". is love more material? or physical? or mental? and when i say mental... i mean mental, not emotional. immeasurable. what does everything or anything mean to you? huh? didn't think so... *end trans* |
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some things just [ARE]. in the heart of me
who i am can you tell me who i am???
components of my world life.
MOOD the TWITT... not twit CURRENT MOON PURGE
...upon a star
i've made it this far love is blind... and other shit you just need contacts for 01.2004 flesh is weak
behind it all [e-mail] ignonomous@gmail.com
you are NOT alone |
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the questions...
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izM :: est. 1984
in relation to... the with promises to keep while on the road... |